| suicide motive |
[8.1.07 - 9.36pm] |
|
I smelled the stench of blood as I saw a knife piercing through my heart. I could hardly breathe as I fell from my bed to the ground lying on the floor. I held my hand over the wound trying to stop the flow of blood, spilling from my body. I could not pull the knife from my heart because, for me, it would mean a faster death. I had no idea of what to do for the next few seconds but to call the one I loved most, my fiancée. As I reached for the phone, the bleeding had increased. I pressed the numbers as I slowly lay dying, thinking of what I had to say. Right when I had finished dialing, the phone started to ring like always. I began to notice that things were slowing in my vision. I heard each individual ring as each fraction of a second went by. My nerves became ever so sharp. I wondered why we had these sensations as humans. And then, I heard a man’s voice answer the phone with a rough tone and he said, “Hello? Is anyone there? Hey, look buddy, if you don’t have anything to say, then stop fooling around.” I was somewhat shocked because of the fact that another man had picked up the telephone of my fiancée’s apartment. I thought hard and tried to utter the words from my mouth but it was no use. I couldn’t say anything. I heard the clicking sound of the phone hoping that he would not hang up the phone but then, I heard the constant tone. I dropped the phone beside me and began to pull the knife from my heart knowing that no one would ever care. I felt the knife pulling at the atoms of my blood. The pain was all that fueled my emotions. I drew the shape of a heart with my blood on the polished wooden floor as I had my last moments alone, as I took each breath waiting for my last.
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| Hallow Jack/ the dream (revision) |
[7.19.07 - 2.56pm] |
Play “Cross of Fate”
On the battlefield, I found myself in a bloodbath. There, I see human corpses lying everywhere as I lay my eyes upon them. Those who were once soldiers had bravery in themselves. Those that sacrificed their lives for “The Greater Good” died for a just cause. The gunshots, cannons, yelling, swords clashing, and screams filled the air and we and our enemy charged against each other. Stabbing our hearts and shooting each other’s heads with the guns we held against each other…we were like chess pieces on the board of a battlefield. I’ve killed my fair share of men trying to defend myself. And honestly, I hadn’t killed for my country. I was put in this place of misery to find my purpose, but I had none. And I thought about this as my men were dying, I heard a whisper in my ear. And the voice called out my name. “Jack”, the voice whispered. And once I had turned my head around, my head was taken off by a cannon ball.
Fade down song
And countless years passed as I found myself among the graves night after night. I thank the man…or woman who’ve found my head. Maybe it could have even been a dog that brought my head elsewhere.
Play Ghostly Theatre
One night, I found myself strolling the streets of the London star filled night. At one sudden moment, (what I thought was) my head fell off and it rolled away along the brick road. I searched high and low and from left to right…I’ve searched every corner of the world but I could not find it. Not even the next village, or the mountains could keep my head. Maybe the sea swallowed it along with all of the other lost things Nothing could ever take the place of my head. I loathed that person who fired that cannon. If I had only wished for myself to die as a whole, but it was too late. I could never recover anything that was lost in so long. Lost to nature and lost to the world. I’ve lost my eyes for which I could not see, I’ve lost my ears for which I could not hear, I’ve lost my mouth for which I could not speak, I’ve lost my tongue for which I could not taste, I’ve lost my nose for which I could not smell, an most of all, I’ve lost my mind for which I could not think or feel anything…
Fade down and Stop Song and then, increase the volume
Play Bloodstained Demise
And then at a sudden moment… I jerked myself out of bed…I felt the droplets of sweat fall down my face as I held my head facing the floor. My heart was pounding; I felt my chest expanding as I took each deep breath…Wondering what I had done to deserve this. ←(Fading emphasized word) And then I quickly grabbed a sheet of paper and a pen to write the words that would soon create a song.
The end
|
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| Hollow Jack/the dream (revision) |
[7.19.07 - 2.31pm] |
|
Play “Cross of Fate”
On the battlefield, I found myself in a bloodbath. There, I see human corpses lying everywhere as I lay my eyes upon them. Those who were once soldiers had bravery in themselves. Those that sacrificed their lives for “The Greater Good” died for a just cause. The gunshots, cannons, yelling, swords clashing, and screams filled the air and we and our enemy charged against each other. Stabbing our hearts and shooting each other’s heads with the guns we held against each other…we were like chess pieces on the board of a battlefield. I’ve killed my fair share of men trying to defend myself. And honestly, I hadn’t killed for my country. I was put in this place of misery to find my purpose, but I had none. And I thought about this as my men were dying, I heard a whisper in my ear.
And once I had turned my head around, my head was taken off by a cannon ball.
Fade down song
And countless years passed as I found myself among the graves. I thank the man…or woman who’ve found my head
Play Ghostly Theatre
One day, I found myself strolling the streets of the London star filled night. At one sudden moment, (what I thought was) my head fell off and it rolled away along the brick road. I searched high and low and from left to right…I’ve searched every corner of the world but I could not find it. Not even the next village, or the mountains could keep my head. Maybe the sea swallowed it along with all of the other lost things Nothing could ever take the place of my head. I loathed that person who fired that cannon. If I had only wished for myself to die as a whole, but it was too late. I could never recover anything that was lost in so long. Lost to nature and lost to the world. I’ve lost my eyes for which I could not see, I’ve lost my ears for which I could not hear, I’ve lost my mouth for which I could not speak, I’ve lost my tongue for which I could not taste, I’ve lost my nose for which I could not smell, an most of all, I’ve lost my mind for which I could not think or feel anything…
Stop Song
And then at a sudden moment… I jerked myself out of bed…I felt the droplets of sweat fall down my face as I held my head facing the floor. My heart was pounding; I felt my chest expanding as I took each deep breath…Wondering what I had done to deserve this. ←(Fading emphasized word) And then I quickly grabbed a sheet of paper and a pen to write the words that would soon create a song.
The end
|
|
| Hollow Jack/ Another dream |
[7.18.07 - 2.56pm] |
On the battlefield, I found myself in a bloodbath. There, I see human corpses lying everywhere as I lay my eyes upon them. Those who were once soldiers had bravery in themselves. Those that sacrificed their lives for “The Greater Good” died for a just cause. The gunshots, cannons, yelling, swords clashing, and screams filled the air and we and our enemy charged against each other. Stabbing our hearts and shooting each other’s heads with the guns we held against each other…we were like chess pieces on the board of a battlefield. I’ve killed my fair share of men trying to defend myself. And honestly, I hadn’t killed for my country. I was put in this place of misery to find my purpose, but I had none. And I thought about this as my men were dying, I heard a whisper in my ear.
And once I had turned my head around, my head was taken off by a cannon ball.
And countless years passed as I found myself among the graves. I thank the man…or woman who’ve found my head.
One day, I found myself strolling the streets of the London star filled night. At one sudden moment, (what I thought was) my head fell off and it rolled away along the brick road. I searched high and low and from left to right…I’ve searched every corner of the world but I could not find it. Not even the next cottage, or the mountains could keep my head. Maybe the sea swallowed it along with all of the other lost things Nothing could ever take the place of my head. I loathed that person who fired that cannon. If I had only wished for myself to die as a whole, but it was too late. I could never recover anything that was lost in so long. Lost to nature and lost to the world. I’ve lost my eyes for which I could not see, I’ve lost my ears for which I could not hear, I’ve lost my mouth for which I could not speak, I’ve lost my tongue for which I could not taste, I’ve lost my nose for which I could not smell, an most of all, I’ve lost my mind for which I could not think or feel anything…
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| The journal |
[7.18.07 - 2.48pm] |
02 Apr 2007
just shoot me in the head...
today,
I feel terrible...
I don't know what it could be,
maybe it's the guilt that's getting to me...
it could be my own fault for asking so,
for saying some words that i don't even know...
I’m totally horrible,
tomorrow...
I’ll probably just jump off of a bridge,
but, it's still this depression...
it keeps on hitting me back and again,
again and again and on and on it goes...
knowing that the world revolves around everyone,
and not only myself...
I still can't help it,
but to think of hurting someone...
knowing that I could have,
maybe...
How selfish could I be,
I’m so pathetic...
I’m so sad, so ignorant, so insensitive,
I hate myself for acting the way i did today...
if I could only fade away,
so easily...
I’m probably...
...better off alone
02 Apr 2007
I'll choose to forget...
...that everything happened before then...
I’ll try to erase all of the memories,
all of the things i never thought would happen,
...never did...
--------------------------------
03 Apr 2007
I felt whole once more...
with a bit of serenity,
I’ve found myself again...
and all the time is taken,
to find one's own heart again...
i don't want to see this self negativity,
...ever...
I don't want to be such a burden...
...to anyone
so I guess that I’ll just leave myself behind...
my bitter self...
all of the memories,
even the painful ones...
... are sometimes cherished...
not even knowing that I exist...
-----------------------------------------
09 Apr 2007
"To my love"
I tried my best to grin and bare...
to see what you're trying to say...
I don't even know if you're speaking to me,
I just don't know,
because I’m lost...
so I’ll just leave everything alone...
leaving things as they are,
I’d rather not be involved with anything...
or much rather
...with anyone...
because of the fact that it's none of my business...
but, I can't stand the questions
-all of the words...that seem similar to mine,
and as if all of your words correspond my thoughts...
so, you asked if I wanted anything from you,
I don't "want" anything,
but all I need is to see you happy...
i just can't bare to see you or anyone cry...
and i just want to "ask" this though...
about what I just said...
...if it really meant anything...?
|
|
| My lyrics(in progress) |
[7.16.07 - 1.09pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
hot hot heat |
] |
"Mad things"
You thought the idea to be absurd,
But then again,
You’d have seemed absurd to anyone.
The calls of a stranger
Haunt your mind within a skull.
Having nightmares
And having dreams
And then I thought
Am
I insane?
Can we be the worst of the best friends?
I never know what you would say
I never found my place on earth again
I never found my place in this world anymore
We’d have never thought what would happen to you
To find myself circling the drain
To find myself circling a human corpse
Tearing the flesh off with my own teeth
I smelled the stench of blood
And I tasted the flesh along with it
Would you ever please forgive me?
I would never know
Whatever happened to my own soul?
What have you thought about this?
That I would be the one to have myself to blame
Wait for me
Everything’s just going to be
Alright with me
Alright with me
So close
Your eyes
And everything’s just going to be just fine
Can you
See me now
Do you
Feel me now
See what you’ve done
To me
How would you feel
For me?
How you have taken the gun
And shattered it
Shattered it
So tell me now,
Do you feel
What I have felt
So turn around
And please just
Look away
Don’t see
Me now
Don’t share
My eyes
I don’t want to share
My plain
To see what horrors
I’ve done
Can you feel my blood
On your own hands
---------------------------------------------------
"Untitled song"
I silently walk down the lonely road
The sky above
The hell below
I walk the path of light that shows
Going slow
Very slow
I begin to see the madder things
In my life
In the world
Minding my own mind to see
Be insane
Insanity
I found myself wandering
The dreary skies
Far above
Like a ghost without a cause
Wearing chains
Remaining with
Us→
|
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| Different Nations |
[7.16.07 - 1.02pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
accomplished |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Eisley |
] |
People are born with different backgrounds...ethnicities are no different than for us to be as we are...and again I say this once more, we are all humans on this altered place we call home, our environment may change what color our skin may be, our DNA may be mutated to the point where we-our appearances, are unlike each other...but we believe that we are all created from a higher being, This Being We Call God...and we create our own history based on this God through the centuries we have lived on...and this history become the religions that restrains our lives...if this God has chained our fate to the flesh, then people are forced to believe in what we cannot comprehend. If there is such a God that can do such Work, then what will you think of Him? Will we hate him because of that he has put our miserable lives to this Earth...this pile of dust we ourselves have to endure...Should we Fear this God because of the fact that of what power he holds over us...
Then again, religions are usually shoved down our throats and people drown us with their kindness and it suffocates us until we are dead...people believe that the Wrath of This One God will come if we do not cherish his creations on this world of ashes...Everything is destroyed because of Him, And everything was created because of Him...and we await his Final Judgment, which we know now is our last destruction...but what if the Others that we still believe can seize Him...what if the Hidden can finally be released to stop him...well, if that is the case...We must bring a rise again for the Forgotten Gods and the Goddesses of the ancient world...We once worshiped these entities in the days of an old time...and Now, we are becoming old ourselves... we are becoming extinct...we are those that had once worshiped…
|
|
| My Sad Dream |
[7.13.07 - 12.06am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 relieved |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
MEW |
] |
I went to sleep at approximately 5:25 PM
I lay down on my bed as I had just left the second living room that was adjacent to mine...listening to a radiostation that I had always listened to...I had placed it at a low volume; a tenth of it because of my acute sense of hearing, and as i lay down on my side covering myself with two layers of blankets and a pillow on top of another, I grew tired...and dozed off...I woke up at approximately 7:25PM remembering nothing...I woke up to the sound of cats fighting outside my room, outside my window... and then I went back to sleep trying to void the noise from my head with my blankets...and then, fading away into a dream world, my first thought within the darkness when I had dozed off was my curiosity of what place I was in...what I saw was a dark place...everything was colored with a faded dark brown, orange, black, and yellow...every color to signify the rust and age of things...everything, even the benches,the buildings, houses, and even the sky....and though it seemed as though there were a source of light with That color...there was no sun to clear a view of what seemed to me was truly "The Forgotten City", and it was truly a city. but though, I did see lamp posts like those you would see in England...I suppose that it was the light that wanted to show me where I Needed to go, and it showed me what I Wanted to know...there was an earthy ground like those of western films and the concrete sidewalks beside each block, and I saw a very few people who were walking around, strolling around in what surely seemed to me,night and they were all wearing a sort of a cloak that went down to their knees and covered their heads with hoods ...and I saw a brick wall that stood up to the height of my torso and the width of my arm, this I saw was beside me to my left, and as I walk toward it and as I begin to lean against it, three vague figures appeared right in front of me as I looked in one direction and then to the other (and remember that everyone is wearing hooded cloaks except me)...and each man is taller than the other; hunching their backs as if they were quite old for their age...They asked me if I had seen a man and i wondered this: What man could this be?...They then took out a photograph of this man as if they had read my mind to describe him even further...one of them took out this photograph from within the his wallet hidden within a secret compartment...I saw a black and white image with a bald man and a feature that seemed too familiar to me, his eyes, his smile...I could not wonder...because Ethnicities and Races were not-No, Did not exist in this world...I could not remember the man...and because they read my mind, one of the other figures morphed himself into the true image of that man....the man as I remembered when I was young...he was of an average stature and at the age he would still look like...and I had forgotten his age as I had forgotten him along with it...the same emotionless sadness within his eyes, within his expression...still as thin in muscle and bones as I am...I think I resembled him at one point...I thought I resembled his childhood...When I looked towards him, he would always be smiling (and as I say this, I am shedding tears)...He was my Grandfather, my father's father...and I still remember how those two people would argue with eachother...My grandfather despised him; and so did I...The third figure finally asked if I have seen this man and I responded with this remark... "I know him." the second figure that had morphed into my Grandfather changed back completely in an instant...then,all three figures left as they faded away along with the air-the wind...they left as they seemed satisfied with my answer...I then continued on relaxing on the brick wall thinking of what just happened..........
and then, (at approximately 9:23PM) I woke up...I found myself to be somewhat crying as I lay down...a few minutes passed and as my mother suddenly called me for dinner, I wiped my tears with my hands...and I stayed in my room within the darkness remembering, trying to gather my thoughts.............
and my memory is slipping by each and every passing year...
and of this dream, I don't ever want to forget...
I dreamed of seeing my Grandfather again...
My Grandfather died on Christmas Day around 5:25 PM or so as I still recall...
I would never forget that day...in 2005...
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